Ground Rules

At the risk of sounding whiny, "spoiled", or in any way bitchy, I would like to ask one question:

Why do customers (or, as my manager gently reminds me, "guests") often treat me as though I am their servant?
I must say, there are patrons out there who treat me like a human being, who chat with me about my life, and who recognize that treating people the way you would like to be treated is a pretty good idea.
Still, I am amazed at how many people are complete assholes when given the opportunity. I know that you're hungry and tired and just want to sit down and relax. I'm doing my best to facilitate that. When you're happy and taken care of, you're more likely to leave me a better tip than when you're angry and neglected. I'm not stupid; I know that making you happy is in both of our interests.
So let's go through a list of do's and don'ts for eating out so we can both go home happy:

Dos:
* *Listen to my introductory statements. I'm required to say a certain phrase and introduce myself, so let me take five seconds of your time before you spit out "Two Diet Cokes and some Skillet Queso."
* *Smile. I don't care if you're in the shittiest mood ever. If you glare at me or look unpleasant in general, you can bet your ass I'm not going to worry myself about you and your needs. Why should I work my ass off for a dollar tip from a grouch? Smiling also indicates that you acknowledge that I'm not just a robot fetching your food for you. I'm a human. Treat me like one.
* *If you want me to bring you anything special with your drinks/appetizer/meal, try let me know before I bring everything else out. It makes it easier for me to make you happy and won't piss me off later when I'm making a separate trip for a side of sour cream, extra limes, more sour cream, a side plate, some more jalapenos......(I know other things like napkins or dropped forks will need to be replaced so I promise if you ask for those I will be more than happy to get them for you.)
* *Now about eating with children: If your kid needs crackers or cherries to keep him from yelling and running around like a banshee, I will be more than happy to keep him well-supplied. I know he'll probably make a mess, but cleaning up after you leave is a small price to pay for intact ear-drums and limbs (your kid's, not mine).
* *Also, children are cute. I love them and will even take the time to joke with them and make them feel important. Please do allow your child to order for himself. I don't mind waiting a moment while he decides what he wants or musters up the courage to squeak out his order. It's a good experience for him to exert some independence and interact with another grown-up.
* *If you have a food allergy, please tell me so I may inform the kitchen to ensure I don't have to stab you with an EpiPen later. 'Nuff said.
* *If you linger at my table after you are finished eating, that's fine with me, but please do increase the tip if you stay more than half and hour after you're finished eating. You are taking up one of my tables that could be seated with another party, effectively preventing me from making more money.
* *If you think the service was good, please tell me. Better yet, tell my manager! They love to hear GOOD comments once in a while and they may even reward me for it. I'll remember it when you return and might even manage to give you a freebie on your next ticket.

Don'ts:
* *Never interrupt me when I'm giving you important information like MY NAME, because when you snap your fingers, jiggle your glass, or holler, "Uh, MA'AM??" later because you didn't care enough to even pretend to listen to my name, I'm going to turn my head the other way and walk right on by. If you at least listened to my name but don't remember it, I'll respond to attempts to catch my attention as long as you aren't being rude.
* *If you wouldn't snap your fingers at your mother to get her attention, don't do it to me either. I'm not a dog, I'm not a child, and I speak English. A simple "excuse me" or "ma'am" should get my attention. Yes, you can address me as "ma'am"...as long as you listened when I gave my name and don't yell it.
* *I know you've had a long day whether you worked or stayed home with your children. But please make them behave; they are YOUR responsibility, not mine. I don't mind joking with them and playing around a bit, but DON'T sit idly by as they dump the salt and pepper shakers on the table, yank the sugars out of the caddy, or play tag around the restaurant. I have to replace the salt, pepper, and sugar before anyone else can sit at my table, so that wastes my time and potential money later. Letting them run wild around the restaurant is dangerous not only for them, but for us, too. We're carrying heavy trays of hot food, people! If I see your kids running around, I will politely inform them the first time that "we have a rule in the restaurant about having our bottoms in the seat before we can eat!" but after that, I'm not going to be nice about it to you OR them.
* *DO NOT tell me you have an allergy when you really don't. If you just don't want something in your meal, tell me and I'll do my best to make sure it never touches the plate.
* *I will let adults order off the kid's menu even though we aren't supposed to let them. Do not take advantage of this by bringing in a party of six and having EVERYONE order from the kid's menu. If you really can't eat more than a kid's portion, share a regular plate. And if you can't afford more than a kid's portion, I KNOW you can't afford a decent tip so you can pull your ass through the drive-thru next door.
* *If you are kind, well-mannered teenagers who aren't causing a problem, I will be nice to you and get you anything you need. If you are a bunch of assholes who treat me like a toy or a servant, I know you don't value me enough to treat me correctly, so you probably don't value my time enough to tip me either. I will ignore you, pawn you off on the new server, or be downright mean to you in hopes you'll leave quickly. If I'm not getting a tip it doesn't matter anyway.
* *Perhaps your parents failed to teach you that lying is inexcusable when you were 3 years old. If you forgot to order your meal with dressing on the side or swiss cheese instead of cheddar, don't pretend you told me and insist that I "forgot". I know damn well you're lying and you should be bludgeoned with the pepper shaker for doing that. If you forgot to tell me something, just own up to it. I'll be happy to fix it for you so you can leave happy and with a full belly. On the same note, if it really was my fault and I forgot, I will admit it, apologize, and fix the problem immediately. I will never try to tell you that you "forgot" to tell me, so don't try that on me.


That's about it.

To sum it up:
*Do smile. Treat me as a person. Engaging in a little chit-chat puts us both in a good mood. I am more than happy to make you happy, so if you need something just politely ask!
*Do not talk down to me. Lying to me will end badly. For you. If you can't afford to tip, go to McDonald's. I know kids can be tough to handle, but at the very least keep their rear next to yours.


In addition, I promise:
*I will NEVER spit in your food, and neither will the cooks.
*I will NEVER give you anything that has been dropped on the floor, nor will I give you dirty plates or silverware.
*I will treat you the way you treat me.
*I will accommodate you as best I can.
*I will not judge you (unless you're being an asshole).
*I will try to make your dining experience the way I would like mine to be were I sitting where you are.
*I am doing my best to make sure you are happy.
*I remember big tippers and they have priority over my other guests.
*I also remember shitty tippers and they take lowest priority.
(Yes, I do play favorites with my guests. I won't give you bad service if you are lowest priority, but you'll definitely notice a longer wait for everything.)
*My manager will not fire me just because you're upset. My managers love me and you aren't going to change their mind.
*No matter what, telling me you know the owner or that you'll tip me big if you're impressed with the service will not get you better service. Sorry.




If you liked this post, you should check out Violent Acres for another post you'll probably like. This lady is hilarious.

You reap what you sow

I got a credit card slip once that looked like this:
Amount Due: $27.58
Tip: $0.00
Total: $27.58

I brought you refills when your glasses were half empty, I put your order in the computer correctly, and I made sure you had everything you needed, including extra Sweet N Low and salsa. I apologized when you informed me (after eating half of it) that your quesadilla came out with onions in it. I did tell the kitchen staff to leave those off, but they may have had a mix-up or been overloaded and simply overlooked the note. It was not my fault, but I did offer to have the kitchen remake your food. All I can do is apologize to you and offer to fix the problem. If you refuse to allow me to help you, it then becomes your problem, not mine. I do not have the authority to comp your meal unless you allow me or a manager to fix it, so do not be angry when you expect to be compensated for a problem you refuse to allow us to rectify.
Also...you are supposed to tip on service, not on the food. I did everything I could to provide good service, therefore I should have received a tip.

People, come on. If your order doesn't arrive at your table the way you want it, for God's sake let your server know and let them fix it for you! That's what we are there for - to help YOU.
Realistically, you will probably never know for certain if the error was the server's fault or the kitchen's fault, but that's okay - mistakes happen. We use computers to communicate with the kitchen, which aren't perfect. We're likely juggling a dozen other tasks which we must also prioritize. That also goes for the kitchen staff. So chill out a bit and acknowledge that people aren't perfect and we have feelings, too. Show courtesy to us and you will receive the same. I am more than happy to help you regardless, but when you are polite and understanding, I will go out of my way to make sure you have a great dinner.